Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Seward's Folly Days Whatever: I got bored of this

The rest of Alaska ranged from okay to badass. Anchorage was a shanty town as far as I could tell, but Seward, Alaska was fucking badass. My dad and I went to a salty old sailor bar full of drunk as heck old dudes, really homely women, and whale jaws and shit all over the walls. It was so legit it hurt.

We went on a wonky tourist cruise that I planned to have no fun on, but it turned out to be boss and, excuse me for sounding girly, inspirational. There's an island around the Seward area that was invaded by the Japanese in WWII, so there are abandoned cliffside army bases with machine gun nests all along the coast. We saw a humpback whale flipping around, going crazy and stuff. We saw sea lions barking up a storm and being all like lazy fat sea dogs. We saw otters a hair's breadth from having wild otter sex. We hiked through the rainforest to a glacier. The ocean is fucking rad.

That's an illustration of my final decision regarding Alaska. Sell everything above the red line to Canada or whatever. It's the right choice.

So now I'm done complaining about Alaska. Sorry if the past week was boorish and insulting.

Today we've added a new regularly contributing member of the GSS: Olivia. I went to middle school with Olivia and she probably beat the shit out of me because I sucked in middle school, but she's way cool and will most likely write much better and more illuminating things than Max ever could. Olivia has another blog that maybe you could check out????

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Seward's Folly Days 4 and 5: All-Ass-Ka

I can't even really remember what all we did on day four, but about eight hours of it was spent driving from Healy to Soldotna which was a positive experience only in that I never have to be in Healy again.

There was maybe some really tall mountain or something we passed on the way, but I didn't see shit. But really, it's beautiful here for the most part and my only beef is that every town is a weird patchwork of strip malls and seedy gas stations. I'm not going to make any political statements or anything, but Wasilla is absolutely rank and vile and disgusting, so it's no wonder people who come from there are fucked-up crazy as shit.

Highlights:
-A bomb-dot-com bagel with lox
-Killing myself

Day 5 was a Soldotna extravaganza. I have literally nothing to say about Soldotna. I had high hopes because I assumed for some reason it was a quaint little tourist/fishing town, but it was a soulless strip mall town. Ugh.

Anchorage is good so far. Lots of trees I guess is the nicest thing I can say about it. I know for an almost-fact that there's cool stuff to do here so I'll try to make an effort to not be a shitty asshole and have fun.

Our hotel has this gnarly wallpaper that's telling me Alaska was purchased for 7 million bones and makes America like multibillion dollars a year, so the second nicest thing I can say about this place is that it was a damned thrifty purchase on America's part.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Seward's Folly Day 3: Sexual Healy-ing

So:

-Alaska is large. Too large? Yes, too large.

- Healy sucks ass. I can't even wrap my head around how much it is sucking right now.

- According to the "literature," you can only see Mt. McKinley 20% of the time, so way to fuck that up, Alaska. I don't even care to look up and see if that's true because I want it to be true so bad.
A treat for the Spider Fans: live video of my dad and me in Alaska.

Good day

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Seward's Folly Day 2: The Quickening

We're in Fairbanks just in time for the World Famous Solstice Party, which means that three blocks of town are filled with tweens on fixies loitering in front of an impossibly large number of kettle corn booths. Also the sun never goes down or something?? I really haven't noticed.

that's some party, Alaska

Fairbanks, as far as I can tell, sucks big time. It's basically tar paper shacks out here. The town I come from looks like it's straight out of the Soviet Bloc, so it's not like I'm being extra picky, it's just not exactly picturesque up in here. It did stop raining a few hours ago and I can see some bomb-ass mountains a ways off. Maybe next time you guys need to build your town closer to the nice mountains, I guess.

this sums it up, pretty much

I know there are beautiful parts of Alaska. I have seen them in books and probably on HD television. However, it's starting to make sense to me why Northern Exposure, a gripping look at a civilized American man's attempt to live and maintain sanity in small-town Alaska, wasn't actually filmed in small-town Alaska. I just want to offer to paint everyone's house here. Like... someone has to do it, right?

PS- maybe I'm an idiot, but I can't find any bars here, either. I'd assume people here would want to drink all the time so they didn't have to dwell on the fact that they have to live in Fairbanks.

PPS- Despite the setting, Soapy Smith's is a pretty cool eatery... so it isn't all bad here (yes it is, it is all bad here.)

Seward's Folly Day 1

It's three in the morning and bright as heck out, so I guess get with the god-damned program, AK.

Number of people wearing airbrushed animal shirts count: astro-fucking-nomical.

I'll take pictures tomorrow because Fairbanks is really living up to my expectations.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

UgggggG!

I'm so terrible, I'm sorry. This blog deserves better than me. I have just about the most soul crushing job in town at the moment, so I have no time to do anything fun that I could write about. I'll do a road trip report pretty soon because it was a fukkin Michael Jordan NBA Slam Dunk of a trip and we saw a fake volcano and two lizards.

JULIA: I'm sorry I can't go to the Solstice Party and be your best friend. Instead I have to go to Alaska, where I will further compile my list of reasons why we should sell that shit back to Mother Russia.

MAX: Stay frosty. I love you.

CALVIN: Fucking A, dude? Write some shit about being an environmental activist or something.

BUTTE: Please please please be more fun and not so rainy. It's depressing the shit out of my butt right about now.

So maybe I'll live blog my Alaska trip. I'll have a lot of dead time so maybe I'll even draw a terrible picture.

Smell you later.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Let me go hooooooome

Goooooood morning, gang. I write to you today from the Evergreen State, although since I'm on the east side of the Cascades we're in the Sage Green State, on accounta we're so wise and dusty and all. Anyway now that I'm back in Washington I've started wearing socks with sandals while I drink another cup of coffee and check the status of my stocks and bonds from an iPhone. It's been a magical couple of days.

WILDLIFE UPDATE: My parents have two redwing blackbird nests in their garden this year, and the babies are disappointingly uncute. They're like if someone rolled a small kidney through a pile of dust and hair and then glued a beak on. Also their parents are annoying as eff.
The pretty-much-no-longer-baby owls in the trees by the creek, however, are totally rad. You guys read blogs and therefore don't actually go outside so I'm sure you've never seen a great horned owl, and though the internet allows you to view a picture from the comfort of your velvet chaise, this is nothing, sir, to the majesty of looking above you and seeing a mother and her young lad peer down from a crooked cottonwood branch. Bonus: One of them got in a scuffle of some kind so we scored part of a wing (illegal, maybe) and several loose feathers (owl feathers are sweet, don't doubt me). Fun fact: Owls have no sense of smell and have been terrorizing the skunk (but this doesn't mean the dog hasn't been up to that too). (We as humans have senses of smells). (Bummer, dude).

Fucking owl.

MOISTURE UPDATE: It's been as wet here as it has been in Missoula, which leads to two things: flooding creeks and gigantic mushrooms, which leads to one thing: Nature rafts down mighty Mercer Creek, รก la Winnie the Pooh.

MILESTONE UPDATE: My little brother Whitt graduated high school last night, much to our relief, and besides being one of the only young men in dress shoes and a tie (what the hell, 2010?) he was also one of the only young men not crying after the ceremony. Graduating high school is supposed to mean you've learned about life and friendships and calculus, not about learning that you're a big puss. Sam, I hope your brother's friends do better.


Good job.

PAGANISM UPDATE: The other main reason I came home for the week is to participate in the 26th annual Saturday Summer Solstice Celebration. During this, we celebrate the light, dance around bonfires, and drink with the assistance of the ceremonial "I pledge allegiance" beer coozy. Chips and Busch Light are unacceptable potluck items. Developments and pictures to come, maybe, though probably not pictures because I will be embarrassed I got so drunk in front of my grandma.

NORTHERN EXPOSURE UPDATE: True, I am minutes away from the historic Brick Tavern in Roslyn, Washington, and perhaps I will venture up there tomorrow night to view Deadwood Revival and sip on a PBR and be soooooo goddamn trendy.

OTHERWISE MUSIC UPDATE: Last week in Missoula I saw Blitzen Trapper play at The Palace with The Moondoggies and then the next day saw Dawes then Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros at The Wilma. Fuck. It was a good couple of days. I walked home from Blitzen Trapper asking my French couchsurfer "How do you say, 'I'm so drunk' in French?" and high fived Dawes and met Jade and Orpheo of Edward Sharpe at the back stairs of the theater after the show. We smoked a cigarette together and told each other we were wonderful.

THINGS TO DO UPDATE: I have things to do. Sam and Max, since you're not coming to the party, you are no longer my friends. Calvin, you were never my friend.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Crunchy is the best

Today I witnessed the most adorable thing ever. We had some extra helium balloons lying around Sam's house, so I tied one around Crunchy's (The Schultz' beagle) collar. He's normally a pretty sedentary dude until the prospect of going on a walk arises. Well...after i finished tying the balloon string around his collar, he perked up, sauntered out the door, and began strolling down the street by himself, all the while tugging along his little white helium balloon. As best we can tell, he mistakenly thought the balloon string was a leash (and the balloon some sort of faceless overlord?), so he just got up and took himself for a walk.

That's the story. There is nothing more to tell. Except that Sam had to go cajole Crunchy into coming back to the house, much to our little beagle friend's dismay. As this post is being written, Crunchy is safely asleep in the living room, and it doesn't look like he'll be going anywhere soon.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Once again, my apologies

By this point, I am acutely aware that I am, at best, an F+ blogger. That being said, I still want to point out that my meager contributions still outweigh Calvin's.
I have just finished up my uber-pretentious education in the ivory towers of East coast liberal academia. Even though I've broken the chains of Colgate University (Deo ac Veritati, founded 1819) it will take a while before I can reclaim my mind/creative potential and actually start thinking for myself once again. It will be a slow process, but with such good free-thinkers like Sam and Julia in the wings, I know that my little brain will be fully-functioning in no time.

In the meantime, all I can do is beg for Sam's unconditional forgiveness. I am glad Julia made it back to Missoula, and I'm sorry bar-hopping on a Sunday night and playing pool and losing to complete strangers was a less than enjoyable experience. Maybe we'll have better luck next time if we do a pre-game war chant?:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqgBxT169Z8&feature=related

Until then, keep the bathroom door locked.