A Wild Dave Grohl Appears!

Long set-up warning!

If you click right here you will hear really homely people playing the worst music written ever ever (unless you click and I'm on. I'm adorable and play "tight jams"). In the bombed-out third world country I live in there is the above radio station and an abysmal automated classic rock station "DJ'ed" by a woman with a heinous Midwestern accent.

I work on a construction site (a place far too manly for me and everyone there knows it [I'm not a construction worker, I'm an archivist sort of]) and construction workers fukkin love metal and Lynyrd Skynyrd so me and the people I work with have been force-fed these pure shit stations for two days in a row. Today the girl I worked with brought in her Zune. "Great," I thought, "she seems pretty down to earth so maybe we'll listen to like The Decembrists, who suck but would be better than hearing Thin Lizzy for the eight-hundreth time (Thin Lizzy is awesome but you know)."

Nickleback uses BLEACHED HAIR! It's super effective!

First song: Nickleback. I should have know it would suck because no one cool has ever had a Zune.

I know it's really so not original at all to harsh on Nickleback's smooth, Canadian mellow, but they're really bad, doods. It's all part of an insidious trend that I don't get. People like really awful, terrible things in all shapes and sizes, but 80% of human beings like barf-ass shitty tunes. I'll qualify this by saying that all music except Motown is terrible, but it's varying degrees of terrible. We here at The GSS like the least terrible of things so we will now tell you what sucks:

Dave Matthews uses DON'T LOOK STUPID! It isn't very effective...

Dave Matthews Band - People like this dude a lot. He played at like Coachella I think and Beyonce was there so she must like DM. First, he's from South Africa so he's probably down with apartheid and I'm not willing to hear arguments to the contrary (also, watch out Beyonce!). Second, if you like Dave Matthews you have low self-esteem, are overweight, and have a gigantic vagina.

Nickleback and all music made in Canada and Creed since they might as well be from Canada - Listing to this when you could listen to literally any other kind of music is like ordering a cheeseburger at a really authentic Mexican restaurant. Fuck you, gringo.

Dave Grohl - You were the drummer for Nirvana?! Please be in a million shitty bands so kids with jean shorts can suck your dick forever.

Modern Metal - "Amerikkkan fascism rebel (Godzilla roar)." New Metal (Nu Metal???? idk) cannot be enjoyed even on an ironic level. Please let me paint you a metaphoric picture to explain:

Let's say you have a sweet little brother, maybe like seven years old, named Hall and Oates or Something Like Hall and Oates. You like to pick on him a little because the age difference means you can't really always connect on a deep level, but he's mostly cool as heck and plays video games with you and is generally a good time. You're hesitant to bring him around your friends because it might be a little embarrassing, but if anyone messes with him you've got his back.

Metal Head uses RELATE WITH A NORMAL HUMAN BEING! Normal Human Being dodged the attack!

You also have an older brother named Three Inches of Blood or Whatever Who Cares. He punches you and calls your parents "faggots" and eats all his meals alone in his room. If you like this brother you are probably a shit head.

Like I said, this is a really unoriginal topic, but it's very important to me. I'm nervous to meet new people because if they don't like what I think people should like I'll sperg out and be a "dickwad." Like so for Instance: one time I met this really cute girl who liked a lot of decent stuff but really loved Elvis Costello, and Elvis Costello sucks hard ween. I'm not saying I had a chance with her before I knew that and suddenly she wasn't cool enough. I had no chance, but it didn't sting as bad because some poor sap who isn't me will have to pretend to like Elvis Costello the rest of his life. This and anecdotes like this are why I've never had sex and why I'm writing this in a dark study in large and empty manor, old, alone and soon to die.

It'll all be cool once I go to The School of the Art Institute of Prissy Dudes and Rich Girls With Daddy Issues in Colorful Tights because I will literally be the least cool person there.

Love,

Sam

PS Speaking of shit, new Poncho and Lefty on Thursday I (almost) promise.